An Actor’s Diary: On the set of a Jim Sheridan Movie
Monday:
I’m really excited to work with Jim Sheridan. I just have one small scene in the movie, but I mean, like, he’s directed “My Left Foot”! The guy’s a genius. I’m a bit nervous, but I think we’ll get along just fine.
Tuesday:
Met Jim and rehearsed the scene for 8 hours. Didn’t shoot anything yet. Jim’s such a perfectionist. He says the script has to be just right. It’s so true. He’s a genius.
Wednesday:
Still rehearsing the scene with Jim. It’s a simple scene: I go into a bakery and buy a loaf of bread. Jim wants me to explore my reasons for buying the loaf and how it affects world hunger. I’m a bit confused by this, but hey, he’s the director. He must know what he’s doing.
Thursday:
Haven’t shot anything yet. Still rehearsing with Jim. It’s now been 27 hours that we’ve rehearsed and blocked the scene. Jim now wants me to rob the bakery instead of buying a loaf of bread. It doesn’t quite fit my character, but Jim says it’s what I would do deep down. I guess so. I mean, he’s a big-time director. He’s worked with Daniel Day-Lewis. Jim must be right. He’s such a genius.
Friday:
Arrive on set. The bakery set has been replaced. It’s now a barn. I’m no longer robbing a bakery. I’m now a marine biologist searching for the mother of my dead daughter Sheila. Like, 5 days ago, my character didn’t even have a daughter, and now she’s dead. I asked Jim why a marine biologist would be looking for the mother in a barn, but he just gave me a machete and told me I was bent on revenge after I was nearly killed by a circus clown from the nearby village. I’m starting to get really confused now. I know Jim’s a genius and all, but I mean, this is getting weird.
Saturday:
We’re still rehearsing the scene. I’m no longer a marine biologist with a machete. Jim wants me to play the scene as a Venezuelan dentist suffering from Alzheimer’s. And now the set is a casino on a cruise ship. Jim took an extra named Barbara and made her a stripper who seduces me by the slot machines. He wants to me slit her throat after we have sex, because she’s my sister’s best friend who caused her suicide. I asked Jim what happened to my daughter Sheila, and he told me Sheila had an operation to become a man, and was a pirate in the Sea of Bengal. That’s what drives me to save the puppies in my animal clinic that I own, that are dying from a rare disease from an alien spore. I’m really having a hard time processing this. Jim wants me to be spontaneous on set, so he’s burned the script and wants us to speak our lines in Vietnamese. I know he’s a genius, but I’m starting to wonder if any of this will make sense.
Sunday:
Okay. I arrive on set. WE STILL HAVEN’T FUCKING FILMED ANYTHING! Rehearse, rehearse, rehearse! That’s all we do!! I don’t even know what it is that we’re rehearsing anymore! This morning, Jim tells me that I hate my father for cutting off my right arm and ruining my chance to be a concert pianist in London. Okay, I think. I’ll try and go with that. I have no idea what I’m doing anymore. I just want to buy a fucking loaf of bread and go home. Wardrobe comes to my trailer and tells me Jim wants me to be dressed as a Nazi lion tamer. I try and complain to the First AD, but he hung himself earlier this morning. Jim’s invented a new language called “Simbawelese”. Now I have to speak all my lines in this new language as I torture small midgets dressed in Viking regalia. Jim gets mad during rehearsal and fires all the midgets. He decides to play all the parts himself. I try and calmly mention to Jim that my character is still in search of a loaf of bread, but Jim throws a tantrum and fires me as well. Jim then starts to actually film himself playing a Nazi Vietnamese alien, and his twin brother who is a dead Viking marine biologist. The scene is brilliant! Jim yells, “cut” and the crew applauds like crazy. He’s a genius. And I got to see it firsthand. Thank you Jim Sheridan. Thank you.
